Ho Boy! – Unpublished, June 2023

I’m sharing this unpublished draft I wrote two years ago because, well… why not. I’d like to stop feeling insecure about what I had and have to say, and be more courageous in sharing the good, the bad, the uncomfortable and ugly of life. Part of my journey was to find my voice as an artist, and I’ve come to the conclusion I’ll never find it if I continue to be afraid to share. This blog post is me trying my damnedest to keep climbing the mountain of life before I lost my total grip, my strength and slid into some deep depression for the first time in my life for two years. Eventually, I’ll speak to that and everything else as I climb my way out of the hole I fell into. 🙂

June 2023 – Unpublished post –

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I’ve got big feelings & this is a vulnerable post for me. However, if I am truly an artist, I suppose this is how we create. I think when I was younger, I was far too excited about living to dwell. I think now, I’m so interested in living, I dwell to ensure the best living. I see now after saying that how counterintuitive that is. Dwelling wastes time, it’s a distraction from living. Anyway, I cycle, I have ups and downs, and I tend to get trapped over and over again in the same dread. Fear, I suppose. & it haunts me…

I will preface the following by saying, art is healing, artists are healers, and in aiming to heal myself from whatever negative talk I carry with me, perhaps it strikes another reader feeling similar big things. Part of my journey to this point is in knowing that most of what I’m feeling… most of the negative talk that haunts me is extraordinarily irrational. It is without any ability to see myself as others do. I know that, and that’s the first step.

I am my own biggest disappointment.

I am saddened by the idea of failing, disappointing others or not showing up my best

and yet, I can’t seem to make the choices that ensure my own success.

I battle with self love,

Instead- judgement, shame, dread.

I am incapable of bypassing scrutiny of every waking moment. I am my own science experiment. I am under my own microscope.

I am my own biggest disappointment.

Truth is, I know the answers, I know what I have to do… I just don’t. My interest is to get comfortable again with just being. My dreams are big, my thoughts are vast… it’s hard to contain all of that in my tiny sensitive being… Wow, just as I said that, I imagined the theory that I am not just me, I am everything, I suppose that is a potential meditative way to ease the magnitude of emotion. As my Mom would say, “give it up to Jesus”. & that has stuck with me, I have thought a great deal about it, and “Jesus” could be many things for many people. Hopefully everyone has faith in something to give it up to, and maybe this is my answer for the Big Life I want to keep living. I do know and have known for sometime that I do not have strong faith in anything at the moment. Which is strange after having spent portions of my life with incredible impassioned faith in something. I think I knew when I had my great reset in 2017-2019 that I was ditching my passion to find something new. I don’t think I expected it to be so darn ambiguous. To feel so uneasy, & manipulated. I didn’t expect that word to come out “manipulated”, however, I do feel manipulated by reality a bit. Hahaha – well then, perhaps what I’m feeling is bigger than me. Perhaps I’m the product of something, easily manipulated, great! another fucking disappointing thing about my self. What if it’s me, what if I’m manipulating myself? To fail so that I’m constantly on edge, incapable of making positive choices. Oh goodness, the devil’s got me. Okay…. I’m spiraling. Hahaha – Heightening really. A bad habit of the improvisor. & actually the most healing part of the whole thing. If you can still laugh, I think we’ll be okay.

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Back to present day, July 10th, 2025

BTW, I’m in therapy now, recently diagnosed with ADHD and medicated. So Here! Here! Cheers to progress!

Stay safe out there.